• emkate_utter

Day Seventeen: Clean

First, I look at myself. Really look. Might take me five minutes, might take me forty-five. The point is to take account.

Have I just been to the gym? Extra points for being sweaty and for touching gym equipment (you’d be surprised how few people take a towel).

Have I been at work? Add points for simply smelling hospital smells (you know what I mean – vomit and shit and urine and the lump for lunch they call stovies), deduct if I used the hand sanitiser every time I passed reception.

Am I just waking up from a night out? Dark circles under eyes? Mascara smudged across face? Something worse smudged across my top? That is the extreme end of the scale. That is a lot to account for. Rack up the points.

Next, I turn on the shower (point-depending, the temperature stays moderate or it goes way up past 40). As the water warms up, undress and sniff clothes – all will go in the laundry anyway, not sure why I sniff but I do.

Make sure towel is within reaching distance.

Step into shower and commence cleaning process.



Face wash

Body wash


Body wash again

Lady parts last. Always. Mild soap. I’m not a masochist.

If still drunk from night before, and things do not happen in this order, start again, at the top.

Adjust temperature as necessary.