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  • emkate_utter

Day Seventeen: Clean

First, I look at myself. Really look. Might take me five minutes, might take me forty-five. The point is to take account.


Have I just been to the gym? Extra points for being sweaty and for touching gym equipment (you’d be surprised how few people take a towel).


Have I been at work? Add points for simply smelling hospital smells (you know what I mean – vomit and shit and urine and the lump for lunch they call stovies), deduct if I used the hand sanitiser every time I passed reception.


Am I just waking up from a night out? Dark circles under eyes? Mascara smudged across face? Something worse smudged across my top? That is the extreme end of the scale. That is a lot to account for. Rack up the points.


Next, I turn on the shower (point-depending, the temperature stays moderate or it goes way up past 40). As the water warms up, undress and sniff clothes – all will go in the laundry anyway, not sure why I sniff but I do.


Make sure towel is within reaching distance.


Step into shower and commence cleaning process.


Shampoo


Conditioner


Face wash


Body wash


Shave


Body wash again


Lady parts last. Always. Mild soap. I’m not a masochist.


If still drunk from night before, and things do not happen in this order, start again, at the top.


Adjust temperature as necessary.

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